Jokes

think you know what needs to go here…anything goes. If its funny it goes in but theres going to be a strictly high standard. *cough*

Over time if there becomes loads I’ll catalogue it down. Right now I cant be arsed. Think I could try listing it moderately offensive to well harsh – Its bad misjudging a situation when you think ‘the aids joke’ will be the icing on the cake to get in to that girls pants youve been chatting up for the last ten minutes. Get it wrong and youre on your own.

After a couple of beers these ones are safe to tell to complete strangers:

Why did the baker have smelly hands? Cos he needed a poo.

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Why dont deaf people parachute? Cos theyve never heard of it.

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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

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What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.

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Entering dangerous ground now…

 What do you get when cross a paedo and a pirate? Arrrrrrr Kelly.

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 What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong walks on the moon…Michael Jackson shags kids

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 Whats the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents youre gay.

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 What do you call a Russian prostitute? Onya Backyabitch

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…and here’s a big slice of all out racism for you (if thats your bag)….and as you know, all racist jokes start the same way….with a quick look over your shoulder. As the old B3ta philosophy goes ‘racism isnt funny, but racist jokes are‘

Amir Khan. Entered the ring on Saturday night as an English hero. Two minutes later he left as a paki.

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COMING SOON TO YOUR TV: as a result of the growing number of foreigners coming to the UK we now have ‘The immigrant channel’ with these great new shows:

Currynation street

Ahmed-dale

Bollyoaks

Home & Bombay

Pakorama

Middle Eastenders

Britains got Taliban

Youve been Bombed

Big Buddah

Postman Pak

Im an immigrant get me out of here

…and for our Israeli friends, Scooby Jew

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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They both get to smell the goods but neither get to eat it.

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Amir Khan proved muslims dont drink. On Saturday night he didnt even get a fucking round in.

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What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common? Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.

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WOOOOOOAAH there, here come the stani jokes!

What do you call a good looking pakistani? Asif

What do you call a Pakistani in a bullet proof vest? Pting

What do you call a pakistani cloak room attendant? Mahatma Coat

Why dont pakistani play football? They always build shops on the corners.

What do you call pakistani police informer? Wazim

What do you call a Pakistani in a microwave? B’ding

What do you call an invisible pakistani? Amir

What do you call a pakistanibetween two houses? Ali

What do you call a lesbian pakistani? Minjita

What do you call a welsh pakistani? Ramalam

What do you call a pakistani with one leg? Balan Singh

What do you call 500 pakistani running down the street? Hindi 500

 

 

Why do black people stink? So the blind can hate them as well

How long does it take a pakistani to have a shit? 9 months

What do you calla pakistani karaoke singer? Gerrupta Singh

What do you say to a pakistani on Christmas day? A pint of milk and 10 Benson please.

What do you call a pakistani Elvis impersonator? Hamal Shukkup

Did you hear about the pakistani with diarrhea? Thought he was melting.

What do you call a pakistani transvestite? Manish

 

 

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What? You want more?

How do the Chinese name their children? They push a grandfather clock down the stairs.

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What do you call 99 white guys chasing a black guy? The PGA tour.

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How do you crucify a spastic? On a swastika.

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Whats the difference between ten dead babies and a million pounds? I dont have a million pounds in the boot of my car.

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Whats black and blue and hates sex? The 8 year old in my closet.

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Black buy walks in to a bar with a duck. Bartender says, “Hey where did you get that?”. The duck says, “Africa, theyre all over the fucking place!”.

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How do you fit 80 Jews in to a mini? 4 in the seats and 76 in the ashtray.

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Why couldnt Helen Kellar drive? Cos she was a woman.

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Why dont women wear watches? Cos theres a clock on the stove

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How many black guys does it take to change a lightbulb? One, are you racist or something?

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Why did Hilter commit suicide? He got the gas bill.

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Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs? Steven Hawking after a house fire.

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Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Cos she wasnt wearing a seatbelt.

Why are scousers like laxatives? Cos they irritate the shit out of you.

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What do you call a scouser in a suit? The defendant

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I recently bought a teddy bear for a tenner. Ive called it Mohammed. My question is, have I made a prophet?

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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.

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What’s the difference between my slippers and the Queen Mother’s rotting face?

I haven’t just cum in my slippers…

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Harold shipmans last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied “It was ok but I could have murdered a nan”

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What’s the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler ? At least Hitler tried to finish the race.

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A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.
The doctor examines her and does some tests, “You’re going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing napies”
“Why? Am I Pregnant?” Asks the lady.
“No” the doctor replies, “You’ve got bowel cancer.”

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How do you get a gay man to shag your girlfriend? Shit in her cunt.

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Why is the bible like a penis? You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

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What do you call a pig with a spade up its arse? Dawn French

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Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken

Two friends are chatting in their local pub. One says to the other “you know what, I could have sex with any girl in this place”. “Hows that?” asks his friend. “Cos Im a rapist”

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What’s black and has 27 tits? The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic.

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Whats worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Aids

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What’s blue and fucks grannies? Me in my lucky blue coat.

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What’s the difference between Muslims and Smarties?  Smarties don’t blow up in the tube.

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What turns a fruit into a vegetable? Aids

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Whats a Jew’s worst nightmare? Free pork.

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What`s got a massive cock, is great at sex & speaks French? Moi.

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What’s funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume.

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Whats red and yellow and looks good on hippies? Fire

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Did you hear about the Jewish Kamikaze pilot? He crashed his plane in to his brothers scrap yard.

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Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Cos everyone has the same DNA.

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What did King Kong say to Oprah Winfrey? Is it in?

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What turns a nine stone weakling into a sixteen stone man of steel? Polio

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What’s the difference between a cricket ball and a paki bird’s minge?

If you really, really, really, really, try, you could eat a cricket ball.

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Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

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What did the blind, deak and dumb boy get for Christmas? Cancer.

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Did you hear about the Muslim sex doll? It blows itself up.

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Ive heard Elton John has split from his husband. Apparently he was having sex behind his back.

What’s the smallest pub in the World? The Thalidomide Arms.

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Why can’t Stevie Wonder read? Because he’s black.

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Why did Princess Diana drive in a Mercedes? She wouldn’t be caught dead in a Volvo.

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Why does Dr.Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.

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What do you get if you cross a black guy with some yoghurt. Woghurt.

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What’s orange and smells of hippo shit? Zippy’s dick.

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What’s black and does your kid’s hair? Lukemia.

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Did you hear about the Thalidomide porn star? He has an arm the size of a babys cock.

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Whats blue and fucks Nana’s? Hypothermia.

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Whats blue and fucks Nana’s? Me in my lucky blue coat.

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Why is American Airlines the best airline to fly? Cos they take you RIGHT to your office.

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What did the disabled man say to his dog? Down, syndrome.

What’s funnier than a drunken clown? A drunken clown with Down’s Syndrome.

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Two blokes in a ski resort, one of them is dyslexic.

Dyslexic: “Excuse me mate, when I come down the mountain, do I zag zig or zig zag?”

Bloke: “Dunno pal, I’m a tobogganist”.

Dyslexic: “Fair enough mate, I’ll have 20 Marlboro lights”.

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Whats the diffrence between a french women and a basketball team? The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

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Where does Kylie buy her kebabs from? Jason’s donna-van.

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Whats blue and doesn’t fit? A dead epileptic.

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What’s got 8 legs and a big black cunt? The A Team

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How can you tell if a leper is playing ice hockey? Theres a ‘face off’ in the rink.

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What has 7 heads, 12 arms and came from a Comet? Jeffrey Dahmer’s fridge.

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What’s brown and sticky? Gluey Armstrong.

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What would Linda McCartney be doing if she was still alive? Dying of cancer.

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What’s brown and runny? Linford Christie.

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Whats another word for a cocoon? A ni.. nigger.

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What do you call a gang of maoris on prozac? Once were worriers.

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Whats grey and sits in the corner quietly taking the piss? A dialysis machine

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where does bin laden put his cd’s? In Iraq

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Why can’t Ray Charles read? Because he’s dead.

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Why did the condom fly across the room? Cos it was pissed off.

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Why does Noddy drive his little car, have a little hat with a bell and is friends with big ears?
Because he’s a cunt.

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What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker? I cry when I cut up onions.

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What’s black and white and can turn a fruit into a vegetable? Siegfried and Roy’s tiger

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What does an 80 year old woman’s pussy taste like? Depends

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What’s the funniest thing about Panto horses? You have to shoot them twice.

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What does bin laden have for lunch? 3 subways and a double decker.

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Why do Japanease people have slanty eyes? Have you ever seen the glare off an atom bomb.

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What did the jewish peodophile say to the little boy? Hey, go easy on the sweets.

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What’s the best part about an emo pizza? It cuts itself.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

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What you call a bear with no paw? Rupert the bastard.

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Why do black guys wear baggy trousers? Cos their Knee-grows

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Why shouldn’t you wear Russian boxer shorts? Cos Chernobyl fall out

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What’s the difference between a wank and an egg? You can beat an egg

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Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono

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How do australians bring up their kids? Put their fingers down a dingos neck

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What’s black and makes vegetables? Nigel Benn.

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What do you call a barman who never stops complaining? Australian

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What’s the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex? One makes your day, the other makes your hole week.

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Did you hear about the Amish flu? First you get a lttle horse…then you get a little buggy.

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Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser? He got the sack.

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What’s the smartest thing to have come out of a womans mouth? Einstein’s cock.

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Why was Freddie Mercury buried face down? So his friends could recognise him.

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Jesus walks into a hotel, throws 3 nails on the counter and says “Can u put me up for the night?”

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Whats pink and hard? A pig with a flick-knife.

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What did hellen keller name her dog? Mwahhhmuurhhhaeeemuuuuunnnn

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Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom

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Two muslims walk into a bar. Boom boom

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What was the name of Gary Glitter’s Vietnamese pimp? Porkum Yung

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What’s got four legs and goes Woof? Piper Alpha.

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Anyone heard about the new fragrance for black men? Eau de doo dah day.

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Whart’s red, white, fluffy and sits in a tree? A Sanitary Owl

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What do you call 40 women in a field full of vibrators? Squatters

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Did you hear about the Gay magician? He vanished with a poof

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What key can open any lock? A Pikey

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How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to change a lightbulb? “You don’t know man, you weren’t there!”

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What’s better than winning Gold in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded

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Why does helen keller wear tight jeans? So you can read her lips

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How do you get a goth down from a tree? Cut the rope

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What do vegetarian worms eat? Linda McCartney

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What is Stevie Wonders favourite colour? Corduroy

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What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-sore-arse.

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What’s the difference between a piece of toast and French men? You can make soldiers out of a piece of toast.

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How do you kill a circus?  Go for the juggler

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Why can’t you get served in a Morcombe Bay Chinese reastaurant? They’re still waiting for the chef to wash up

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How do you make a hormone? Don’t pay her.

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Whats brown, runny, and hides in the loft? The diarrhea of Anne Frank.

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What’s the difference between Princess Di and Michael Hutchence? Michael Hutchence was wearing his belt.

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What’s the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs? One’s a goodyear, ones a fucking good year!

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Whats the difference between a diamond ring and David Beckham? Nothing – they both come in a posh box.

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Whys the no ashtray at Michael Barrymores house? Because he puts his fags out in the pool.

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What’s grey and comes in buckets? An elephant.

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What’s white and takes the piss out of old people’s clothes? A washing machine.

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In Greece, how do you seperate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.

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What key can get you in any house or car? A Darkie

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What do sperm and asylum seekers have in common? They arrive in their thousands, but only one of them ever works

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What’s pink and smells of ginger? Fred Astaire’s fingers

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Why does mike tyson cry after sex? Cos hes got mace in his eyes

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What goes up and down on Nelson’s Column? Winnie Mandela

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Why did two planes go into the World Trade Center? Someone left the landing light on

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How do you know it’s bedtime in Neverland? When the big hand touches the little hand.

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What the difference between Jesus and an oil painting? You only need one nail to hang a Painting.

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What sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother

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How do you find a blonde in long grass? Pleasing

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Whats a Chinese girls favourite holiday? Erection day

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Why do seagulls have wings? To beat the gypsies to the tip.

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What will postman pat be called when he retires? Pat

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What do you do if your boiler explodes? Buy her some flowers

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Why was the washing machine laughing? Cos it was taking the piss out the undies.

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How much does Jesus love you?

*Spread arms and look mopey*

This much.

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Whats got 4 legs and goes “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”? Rod Hulls telly.

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What do you call a French man wearing sandles? Phillipe Fillop

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Whats the difference between Bjorn Borg and Michael Watson?  Ones a swede, the others a cabbage.

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How many sugars does Christopher Reeve take in his coffee? *blinks twice*

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What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs? A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

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Whats black and laughs? A snigger

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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?  Juan on Juan.

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Why is Jeremy Beadle like a clock? He has a big hand, a small hand, and a wind up face.

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Jeremy Beadle and his wife are playing cards, his wife looks over and says “thats a shit hand you’ve got there Jeremy”.

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“Ask me if I’m a tree”
“What”?
“Ask me if I’m a tree”
“Are you a tree”?
“No”

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What’s the difference between a circus and a whorehouse? The circus is full of cunning stunts.

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Why shouldn’t you take the piss out of a dyslexic dwarf? It’s not big and it’s not clever

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Why did Elton John sing at Princess Di’s funeral? He was the only queen who gave a fuck

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Did you hear Elton John is doing a tribute to Mother Theresa? It’s called Sandels In The Bin

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Why wasn’t Jesus born in Essex? They couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin

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Why did George Micheal have chocolate stains on his T-shirt? Cos he was careless with his Wispa.

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“Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!”.

“That’s the least of your problems. You have AIDs.”

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Whats the difference between Batman and a scouser? Batman sometimes goes out without Robin.

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A Pakistani man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

“Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter.

“I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Pakistani man.

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”

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I saw a sign in a public toilet yesterday. It said “Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would like to have found it in”. So I left a porno mag and a line of coke.

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Statistically… 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, “Morning.”

He replied, “No, just having a shit.”

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

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How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.

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What does a ginger miss most about parties?

The invitation.

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How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go ride our bikes!

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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.

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I’m one of those people that likes to read while I’m having a shit.

This is also the reason why I’m banned from Waterstones.

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Why do bulimics love KFC? Because it comes with a bucket.

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My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry, at least he died in comfort.

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Whats ET short for? Cos he’s only got little legs

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Went to Rod Hull’s funeral. The service was OK, but the reception was awful.

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Did you hear about the two gay ghosts? They put the willies up each other.

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My mate recently lost his wife and kids. I kept telling him he was shit at cards.

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I took my girlfriend round to see my family today. My wife went fucking mental.

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I see Asda have started selling knocked down Baby Peas…Surely it’s a bit too soon.

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I was saddened to hear the news of Baby P’s death. ‘Let me be your fantasy’ was one of the best dance music singles of all time.

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I was delighted to hear that Baby P had died. Until I found out he wasn’t a member of the So Solid Crew.

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Elizabeth Fritzl attended her fathers trial at an Austrian court today….having just eaten a full cooked breakfast. Well, someone could have told her she still had Daddies sauce all round her mouth and down her top!

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I hear Stephen Hawking went out on a date last night. He returned with a broken hip,  smashed collarbone and scratches all up his legs.

She stood him up.

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DAY 2 in Heaven and Jade is up for eviction.

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Madonna has said she is is saddened to hear of Jordan and Peter Andre’s marriage break-up. She also wants first refusal on the blind black kid if neither of them want it.

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*GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING* If you experience symptoms like bad breath, sweaty underarms and an irrational fear of pigs, please do NOT panic! You do not have swine flu, you are just a paki.