Being a proper cunt can sometimes lack the satisfaction it used to. Bit like the crack head chasing his first hit. So at certain times you need dig deep in your pockets and find all new groundbreaking ways to stimulate the ‘cheeky bastard’ gene that some of us are lucky to be born with. Winding people up is a staple pastime of mine but there’s nothing quite as sweet as the stealth mode wind-up. By this I mean something so down-right devious that even the person being done is none the wiser. The sucker punch you might say. Here’s a section I offer which you can use in your everyday life to re-ignite your love for the art of ‘black-ops cunting’.
Heel Jacking
Just what the fuck is heel jacking, you might well ask. Well you won’t find it listed in Wikipedia, I’m positive of that (not HIV positive, that’s something different).
Those of us who use public transport will know this well. Picture yourself on that god forsaken morning journey to work. Its rush hour, you’re pissing in sweat and clogged to the pores with commuters. There you are waiting for the tube doors to open, all poised for action and waiting for the go. Then some snivelling suited shite-hole goes and barges their way past you like they own the place. “THAT IGNORANT BASTARD!!” you think to yourself, all fired up.
So you follow them….you follow these piss-poor individuals as far as is necessary and keep close. Never let them out of your sight. Then, when the timing is right….just when you can hardly move for the crowds, or better yet, approaching some exits or stairs…you step on the heel of their shoe. That’s right, you childishly step on the heel of their newly leading foot with just enough pressure so they slip out of their footwear. Bang! They’ve just lost most of their shoe (and their balance) and their blood pressure is rising. Job well done.
“Here comes the science”.
Now watch their face change as they turn to look at you, poised on one pin and being quickly swallowed by the flooding rabble. You’ll never see a more panicked expression. Some go quiet, some go screaming but all get fucked over. If this has ever happened to you, you’ll know exactly what I mean. Irritating to say the least.
I know it’s only a small thing, but believe me, the satisfaction is so much greater than anything a knee jerk reaction could give you. Almost like Chinese water torture or being repeatedly slapped round the face by a laughing toddler. It’s the escalation that counts. And you know what makes the fruit taste all the more sweet? They can’t even blame anyone. As far as they know it was an accident. I mean, why would anyone try to trip your shoe off on purpose? Ha!
***Coming next: The late V’s****
(Ive quite a few of these by the way, so watch for updates)
