Only fools….

Well I for one am shocked and embarrased by David Jason’s outburst on Christian O’Connell’s Absolute Radio show the other day. I can’t believe he would have the audacity to say he’s not going to make any more episodes of Frost. Nana’s across the country have gone without heating all winter to pay for that precious TV licence, and for what?! Now they’re back to watching repeats of ‘Murder She Wrote’ and ‘Highway to Heaven’  just cos he cant be arsed to say a few lines.

Oh yeah and he told a racist joke live on air.

Speaking live on air on Tuesday, Sir David said: “What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant?”

After a pause, he said: “Mahatma coat.”

I say racist…it’s not really racist now is it? Racism is in the eye of the beholder. And as he says, its a play on words. He didn’t for one second think what was coming out of his mouth was past the mark. It’s like when your Gran refers to Black people as coloureds…. ”Oooh you can’t say that these days Nana, thats offensive.” Leave the old cunt alone I say. He got a bit confused, probs didn’t take his medication.

It didnt get a single complaint though. Not one! Saying that the listeners are probably the same old beggars who were in the audience of that Mrs Merton show back when Bernard Manning was on. Remember that shit? The young tart off ‘The Royale Family’ who used to get dressed up as an old woman in a candy floss wig and then interview z-list celebrities? Groundbreaking stuff. Anyway, Bernard Manning, if you dont know, was a notoriously racist blue comedian from the old school. And he’s going off on one - blacks this and blacks that. She’s getting madder and redder, trying her best to stay in character. Does her best under p.c. Daily Mail deputation, but the whole time the audience are pissing themselves (maybe literally).  Someone should have pointed out that if you stage a show in Manchester and fill up the audience with grandmothers, there’s a fair chance most of them will find Bernard Manning funny. Priceless TV. But then they show clips of it over Christmas in ’The best 100′ blah blah blah shows as if she got the upper hand and stuck him in his place?! That’s not how I remember it. Bitch never did another series though, funny that eh?

Turtles Head

Watch this…

“When the Turtles entered my life, they taught me..to be self aware.”

HUH???!!?!?!??!?!!

Well “BULL…SSSSSHIT Mr Hanman, you come right out of a comic book!” Obviously this bird wasnt listening to those gay lizards too closely when they said ‘be self aware’.  Fuck, if she had even the slightest idea of how spasticated she looks, she’d be pulling the trigger before I have time to finish this sentence.

And what was that other pearl of wisdom she knocked out …”never hide behind a wall of who you really are.” But who are you, bitch? I can tell you if you like? You’re some sad pathetic misguided heffer who lives her life through the imaginings of two desperate artists, who themselves were parodying the genre of popular comic books in the first place. “Never hide behind…” Oh shut the fuck up you mentalist. You should hide behind something…..like a reversing lorry or a fighter jets afterburner.  Take a look in the mirror for one second, you fucking ‘tard! This shit isnt real. Don’t you understand? ITS MADE UP…total fiction…not real…fake….get it? Just cos you have a prosthetic head from some shitty kids movie doesn’t mean you are any bit less of the arse wipe you were before you bought it. ‘Hey, Im sorry, didnt recognise you there Leonardo…haha…I thought you were just another fat Yank bint from disturbia till you put your head back on…fancy some pizza, dude?’

And whats the deal with those crazy pizza toppings anyway? ‘Hey here’s one I prepared earlier..its one of my own personal adaptations- the dog shit and wasp deep pan supreme. MMMMmmm delicious. Save me a slice of that, Donatello…follow your heart, man.’

Penis Envy

Here’s a great news story about an inspired young fellow who decided to paint a 60 foot cock on his parents roof. Move over Banksy, you miserable cunt, theres a new kid on the block….and he’s giving us what we really wanna see.

Just what is it about dicks thats so side-splittingly hilarious to the male contingent? I havent a fucking clue but you know what? I dont care. They’re funny…thats it…end of story. END. Does make you wonder why girls never draw big fannies on bus-stops though. You’d have thought a few of them butch lezzers would have eh? Or maybe they draw cocks too? Man, I need to go find me some lesbians - I’ve important questions to be answered here…..while Im doing that you can have a look at a few of the more choice penes from artists around the world. Enjoy.

Uzi you’s like?

A Tribute….?

OK! Magazine’s latest issue, an ‘official tribute’ to Jade Goody, has been criticised by the online community and some of the star’s relatives.

Messages from the public on the web have included comments like, “sick”, “you vultures”, “really disgusting” and “truly awful bad taste”.

Well theres another soul to join the ranks of Jim, Jimi, Janis et al in the 27 club. Dont you think theres a really weird kind of paradox goin on here? Consider the people writing in to complain that OK! have put this rubbish on our shelves. 10 minutes earlier they thought nothing of it and that maybe even OK! magazine were nice guys for putting up their cash to the cause. But woah wait a sec, youre telling me that OK! magazine didnt really give a shit about Jade Goody, and were in fact in this only for monetary gains? NO! This cant be right.

Of course theyll make money, and she’s made money. Surely the whole point of her doing the story was to generate more cash for her kids? And I hand it to her, she did it well.  So what, people are just doing the same shit as they always have – paying money to watch her weird life unfold through a wide angle lens. People change their faces too quickly. Wasnt long ago she was being crucified for making racist taunts on prime time junk TV.

Just as always, soon as someones dead or dying the tossers slip out of the woodwork saying how great they were. ..just once Id like someone to come on TV and go, “Yeah Im glad that cunt’s dead, never could stand the fella.”

Anyway just dont be surprised when the Jade movie comes out – I give it 2 years, tops. Hmmm, actually, Pierce Brosnan would make a great Max Clifford.

Learning with Charver

Ive always preferred the word charver over chav. Chavs are more soft and Southern n stuff.

Buzzcocks

Does what he sez n tha ya proper doyle.

Iron wheels

I hear Stephen Hawking went out on a date last night. He returned with a broken hip,  smashed collarbone and scratches all up his legs.

She stood him up.

Fritzl ma nitzzle

Elizabeth Fritzl attended her fathers trial at an Austrian court today….having just eaten a full cooked breakfast. Well, someone could told her she still had Daddies sauce all round her mouth and down her top!

fast food

Gutted me, I was gunna do some cutting edge video editing tonight but the dick head on ebay sent me the wrong  lead. I should get on the first plane to Hong Kong and beat his arse with a shitty stick. Took two weeks to get here as well, whats he been doing in that time, making Nike’s?

So instead Im looking at fast fast-food on youtube.

There some descent records on there, which I personally cant be bothered to try and beat. Maybe you feel differently.

But heres a bloke eating a BigSMacK in one mouthful. A bloke with a bad fake tan, E-17 gay chin beard and tight white v-neck. He’s fighting them ladies off with his fists.

Next up, meat the beast. There not really much I can say except watch and learn and love. …and great to see Steve Martin still has the magic.

Nice one. So next up comes that crazy nation with the big colourful graphics and shiny bowl hair cuts. Not the mongs, its the Japs! Those mental orientals are at it again showing us its not just what you eat and how you eat it. Its about aaaahso much more that. “Won Ton Soup Mush, Won ton Soup.”

And heres a picture used in an old Walmart Mural.