3 up, 3 down

I see one of me vids has been shut down by You Tube…so to duly replace it comes this little belter. “Are ye startin like?!!”

Prick

People keep going on about how John McCain wont make a good president.

Bullshit, any man who can single-handedly take down that terrorist, Hans Gruber and his gang gets my vote every time. Yippie Kaya Motherfucker.

But then again Im not a septic…and this post is far too political for my tastes. Anyway, sod this, I’m off for a wank.

Sach ‘em?

Fuck that, its all in the good name of comedy.

There’s no way the BBC can get rid of two of their biggest audience pulls. If they do they’re even more retarded than I give them credit.

Apparently Ross went round Brands house and found her and two other birds dancing in their undies after no doubt a reet good seeing to. So what does she do? Sez to them, “Ooooh dont let me Granddad know about this, he’ll go mad, he’s Andrew Sachs you know, that old cunt who used to be play a spaz Spic in a classic British 70’s sitcom”. Ok I’m paraphrasing but you get the idea. So correct me if Im wrong but doesn’t that make all this shit her fault for opening her trap? Or traps for that matter…*wink wink*

Who can honestly say that just cos that posh scarecrow, Brand shafted a has-beens slapper granddaughter and phoned him up to ridicule him about it deserves the sack? Gordon Brown apparenly does. Get over it you fat shit, havent you got something better to do? Like running the country maybe? She’s in a burlesque group called ‘Satantic Sluts’ after all. Im sure butter wouldnt melt. The fact is they’ll both get a huge fine and go on to pull in even bigger audiences while Sachs will be dead in a year and at best be remembed for this and Fawlty Towers. Job done fellas.

Spazmataz

Well, well, well now what do we have here? Just watch the moves from the guy in the white shirt, he’s having the best day of his life…simply, the best!

That’s what friends are for

Oy, it really doesnt get any better than this. It has everything; crazy witch face lady on the left with a history of amphetamine abuse, Uncle beardy nonce sporting the aviators in the back, Gundam robots transforming on the greenscreen…Then theres the oh so hilarious embarrassing granddad who appears to be singing a different song then gets too involved with his bag of props. That will be me in 40 years time (minus the uber-jewness, of course).

listen for the crack…

With a title like that you’re probably expecting more. So sorry to disappoint, this isnt another post about the beautiful Amy Shithouse. Instead I take you to a live studio broadcast and a South African MP getting a rude awakening.

ona bad un

…and heres some more freaky shit for the trippers out there…..but remember what the old coin-ops used to knock out: ‘winners dont use drugs’. Sounds like something Tom Cruise would say.

Iron eggs

yeah youre not so tough, what if I kick you right in the……..ah, shit.

Bag that seat

This goes out to the ignorant fat shit on my train this morning.

‘Here’s a good idea’ he thought to himself. ‘I’m such a territorial titan that I’m going to sit in the aisle seat of a four person compartment and then plonk my gay man-bag in the untaken window seat. That way no-one will dare to ask me to move it or attempt to squeeze past. Come to think of it, I’ll even close my eyes, stick my i-pod in and listen to D-Ream at full pelt. It’s foolproof. I’m guaranteed to have an empty seat next to me this whole journey.’

Think again you batty crease cos there’s absolutely no way I’m standing up on a packed train just cos you think you own the place. So I stand there towering over him and knock out a couple of sly ‘excuse me’ coughs, but to no avail. What a mother fucker. Should have seen him snap open his eyes when I started slapping his leg. “I want to sit down mate, can you move your bag?”. The look of total outrage was hilarious. You’d have thought I’d come in on Christmas day and stabbed his Nana. I fucking hate people like that. Made a right meal of sitting down though – kicking feet and banging knees. I thought he was proper gunna go for me. Yeah, I win this one, Cunto!

Reminds me of about 5 years ago when I used to get the same shitty bus at the same shitty time each day – to and from work. I used to watch this one fella who couldn’t bear to be in any seat other than the aisle. Now, unlike the turd I had an encounter with this morning, this guy didn’t mind getting up and letting someone else get by. But he absolutely under no circumstances would sit anywhere other than the aisle. Fucking weirdo of the highest order. Strange looking chap as well. Kind of resembled Ram-Man. Little squat baldy Uncle Fester with the face of a 5 year old lost in the supermarket.

Seemed strange to me that he had a job though. Well I guess thats where he was going at that time in the morning. I could never work it out cos he was obviously a borderline spaz. Dunno, maybe I’ve got it wrong and he was a highly respected pillar of the community and greyhound of the financial world. Nah. At one point I considered following him but realised it’s probably not such a great thing to phone in sick just to stalk a retarded guy for the day. In fact that would be really bad.

After literally months of watching him getting up and letting people get to the window seat, I slowly pondered to myself what would happen if he was confronted about it and asked to move up. One day I was given this opportunity.

So I got on the bus, 5.05pm as always, and there he was, sitting pretty in his aisle perch with the window unoccupied. Business as usual. The bus was packed so I headed straight to him. The devil on my shoulder started to twitch…

“Excuse me mate, can you move over please?”

He looked pretty confused by this and started to stand up to let me pass.

“No, sorry, I really have a thing about sitting next to the window, I don’t really like it. Do you mind if I sit in the aisle seat please?. Really sorry”, I said.

BANG! A look of sheer horror swept over his face. He didn’t know what to do, I’d totally fucked him up. He kept looking back at the seat and then back at me, not saying a word. ‘This is amazing’, I thought to myself. ‘Best thing I’ve seen all month’. “Please?”, I asked again, with my best puppy dog eyes.

We stood like this for maybe 30 or 40 awkward seconds. He started breathing heavily and looking desperate. Veins were appearing in his sweaty forehead. That’s when someone else got up to leave the bus and I decided to take their place instead. Probably for the best really. Still to this day I’m not sure what would have happened if I’d continued in my wind-up quest.

I moved not long after so changed bus routes. Such a shame.

Stayin Alive

According to BBC news, it turns out that disco classic, ‘Stayin Alive’ by the Bee Gees is a perfect beat to follow when performing chest compressions on a victim of cardiac arrest. Slightly ironic when you consider that one of them died of a heart attack…..

Imagine giving someone CPR while muttering ‘Stayin Alive’ under your breath though? You’d feel like a right bastard. Maybe just go the whole hog and sing it out loud eh. “Ah Ha Ha Ha STAYIN ALIIIiiiiiiiiiiihhiiiiiii…” *pump the chest, pump the chest*…..with a massive smile on your face and giving a wink to the gathered crowd.

But I always thought it was such a shame when Maurice died – the other baldly nonce one in the hat-wig was loads more of a cunt. It should have been him that died. I mean, granted, he doesnt have a beard but he’d still be the last person to babysit my kids. Thats if I had any, which I dont. Thankfully.